Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mood is currently on “shuffle.”

Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.

Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”

[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug

[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university

Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s

A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?

Me *swallows pride*

Baby lion: holy shit

Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”

#Caturday

I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign

Principal: Your son is a gamer

[Parents are visibly shaken]

Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.

Parents: OH THANK GOD

*Werewolf about to eat me*

Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.

[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one

You call the carnival ride dangerous.

I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”

Rare photo of two submarines racing

Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.

I wasn’t snoring..

I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.

I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done

If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.

I need to know what happened here in 1620.

Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby

[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]

“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”

I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.

Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*

I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.

[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.

I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.

Wait.

Did we ever figure out what it means when you match with your therapist on Tinder?

You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?

“More Wine”

Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?

Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.