Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose

Me:

Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?

Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.

I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.

Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.

If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.

LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!

DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia

You: Hold my beer.

Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*

Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.

Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.

Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶

Death Row inmate: how did you get in here

“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”

-my son, blaming the victims

Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets

Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way

one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME

I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.

My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!

time as an adult:

Halloween

(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving

(5 minutes later)
Christmas

The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds

oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer

[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes

People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.

My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”

Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes

how to have fun when you’re poor

[pirate ship capturing another ship]

Pirate: Prepare to be bored!

Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?

*pirate opens stamp collection*

me: have you seen my hoodie?

her: you mean our hoodie???

“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.

Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?

Me: just a little boo boo.

Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?

Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.

me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so

6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker