Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!

You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped

Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.

the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally

haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first

Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*

Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate

Me: *shyly lifts top*

Husband: no

[tree falls in forest]

[doesnt make a sound]

GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—

TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh

Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.

A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”

I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.

Looking at you, Jesus.

water solves a lot of problems.

want to lose weight? drink more water

having a bad day? take a shower

tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them

Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one

People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.

My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.

*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face

Now it looks like me.

Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.

5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”

Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.

*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*

birds and squirrels envy us

If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.

I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake

“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.

[birth of Jesus]

First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense

Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh

Third Wise Man: This is gold

First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit

I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”

Nothing infuriates me more than when I’m on my phone and something wants me to scan a QR code. With what Jan? With. What.

No, you hang up first.

Me to Pizza Hut

Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer

[on a first date]

Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…

Her: I had a great time, good night!

Me: *runs in front of her car

*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*

Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?