Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock

married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me

[Commercial for axes]

[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]

*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”

Don’t make me out nice you.

[working in garage]

“Hand me a screwdriver, son”

A flat one?

“No”

[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go

8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course

When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you

As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?

My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!

Me *retaining absolutely nothing you just said*: Yeah, got all that.

“Who’s the new guy?”
“We’ll explain later.”
“But-“
“Just look at the camera, Steve.”

When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?

i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic

Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”

My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.

🥴😂

#merica

me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!

Room with a view.

[spotify ai voice] ayo it’s ya dj, x. comin up, i’m gonna play you some music that sucks

Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.

I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.

Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.

Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.

If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.

I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.

Me: Let’s get a library card.

Her: It’s too expensive.

M: They’re FREE, dummy.

[1 year later]

*receives bill for $190 in late fees*

Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.

Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?

Me: you butter believe it : )

[at a dinner party]

Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee

If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow