Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People reporting the royal family to the police for living suspiciously lavish lives without a job or any work to show for it is exactly what I needed to hear today!😂🤣😂😅🤣🙊🤭😂😂🤣😅🤣😂😅🥲🤣😂😅🤭🙊🥲🤣🤣😂👏👏👏👏

#Grifters
#AbolishTheMonarchy

You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.

Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.

People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?

Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?

I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.

if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base

[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish

(filming reality TV show)

him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot

me: so a guy with just one foot?

him: no, an ape-type creature

me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot

him: he has 2 feet

me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?

him: get out

This bank app is great for checking account activity!

Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.

[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*

It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married

*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack

We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.

What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.

[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?

Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?

Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer

Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick

5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?

Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.

People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.

If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following

At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.

Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.

I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!

There’s a woman in my office who is very very very obviously pregnant but she still hasn’t mentioned it and I am being SO STRONG and I refuse to ask because I will never ever ask just in case

The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself

OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋

[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”

Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.

can’t get enough of this specific type of Olympic event. happy to hear arguments for others

In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.

Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes