Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter

I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.

Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.

Secret Panel HERE 🤘

(1st day in heaven)

Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF

It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed

I never saw myself as a mechanic but earlier today there was a rattle in my engine so I turned up the radio and it disappeared!

I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.

They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.

“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.

“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”

“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.

*puts words between two asterisks*

Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.

Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.

Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement

Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.

I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.

They say treat others how you would like to be treated.

Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.

Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.

So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .

Guess who got his yard cut?

Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.

there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord

When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:

‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’

While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”

Monday: *exists*

Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.

I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread

Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.

Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.

My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls

I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”

Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.

Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?