Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*

Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?

Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR

You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children

My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.

superman: nice car does it have gps

batman: no

superman: then how do you know where you’re going

batman: *starts screaming*

Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*

sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.

[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human

Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.

Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.

I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.

My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment

[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”

Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?

[pushing my son in his stroller]

Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?

Me: 35

Stranger: I was talking to him

Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.

[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers

Nobody:

Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”

I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards

If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.

Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.

Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?

Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]

her: wanna come over

me: can’t i’m at an office party

her: ur self-employed

me: and having a great time

I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.

PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now

dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven

Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this

Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.

cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could

In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it

You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.

*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*

The CDC should absolutely have a prison