@AlexvanBeek

[10mins from now]

..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..

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@daryl_licked

Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?

Me: I got it for my girlfriend.

Indian Chief: Good trade.

@lecalabara

Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.

@Bedlam_Beersie

Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.

@Brettagher

“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child

@iamspacegirl

me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.

refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES

@thesupergrobi

Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.

@sad_tree

[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”

ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies

@AndyRichter

Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior