[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
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skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
honestly, i need both:
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Just this preview of the story is enough
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
Catering service
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*