[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
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Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
I use a wheelchair. I’m in charge of distributing nonalcoholic beverages at parties. I roll with the punches.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
🤣dope
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then