10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
oh good, now I can stop drinking
sneaking therapy tips into conversation with my mom like how u give a dog a pill wrapped in cream cheese
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
My physician didn’t find this amusing…
What do you call a veterinarian who’s only good enough to treat one species? A Doctor.
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
I could murder a cheese sandwich. I’m not hungry. I just think I’d be capable of that.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
(in job interview)
my greatest strength is how quickly i can create a hostile work environment and my biggest weakness is that i love too deeply and im constantly befriending fake people. i have no experience as a barista.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
*my cat, who has 3 different beds and a cat tree* I must sleep on the clothes you have laid out for the day
they split up moments later
