Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn

[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*

Me: oh shit

Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*

[From Basement]: Oh shit

What do you call a laughing motorcycle?

Yamahahahahahahahahaha

nude beaches are out, nude libraries are in

Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME

If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.

Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……

but cannibals are the real humanitarians.

[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.

Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?

*meanwhile across town*

Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.

I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”

CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢

My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it

idk if im pregnant or what but i been craving 3 million dollars so bad

Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.

The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.

Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.

Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise

*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*

do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like

call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.

Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti

Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that

“And what did you bring home this week?”

– Parents of sick kids during the 1st month of them going back to school

7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]

5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.

ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college grads

REQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.

This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.

They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes

Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person

Me: ok

[Later]

Her: Hi!

Me: Hi you look uglier online

Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.

If you encounter a bear in the woods, stay calm. ⁣⁣Identify yourself by making noise so the bear knows you are a human. We recommend using your voice. Waving and showing off your opposable thumb means nothing to the bear.

Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:

Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”

Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!