Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today my friend who cuts my hair told me last year my husband walked in to the salon one afternoon and said “I want to dye my hair blonde but I don’t want to look like I’m going through a personal crisis. Do you think we can accomplish that?”

I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.

“When in doubt, drag it out”

– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies

Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.

Dr Mario: you have a tumor

me: two more what

*strums guitar*

This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”

Hope you like it.

[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]

Her: Hi!

Him, making a weird face: Hi.

Her: Hi.

Him: …

Her: …

Him: Hi.

Her: Hi.

Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*

professor x: what’s your superpower

me: I make text look like faces

professor XD : what?

Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*

Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”

Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”

Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.

Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.

Tell me why I had to find out via HGTV house hunters that my OBGYN is searching for a house in Florida bc SHES MOVING???

The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.

“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”

Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!

“I go by Barold now”

When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old

you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic

I like my women like I like my bugs…

In my bed 😬

*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*

200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass

ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??

I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.

I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.

I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me

I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.

*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*

Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.

[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.

me: do you want more breakfast

6: no im full i have a small tummy

me: ok that’s fine you can-

6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-

me: I SAID you can go now thanks

When your best mate counts as a desk too

I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…