Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*1st dinner date*

Me: waiter, can I get the bill-

Her: I love sophisticated guys

Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?

Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.

Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!

At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me

[10mins from now]

..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..

The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song

Van Gogh: here you go

[post-apocalypse open mic]

Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??

Crowd: *rickets*

I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?

As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.

A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.

“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo

WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”

HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”

MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit

My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.

My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”

Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.

“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds

Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.

~ me, flirting.

you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice

don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry

– me taking a joke

My grandad used to say the only way to gain knowledge was through asking questions. He truly was a whys man.

What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.

Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”

Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.

We were frantic.

Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.

I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.

Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.

Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.

Once I dreamt I’d pissed the bed and when I woke up I had. So never let people tell you dreams can’t come true.

The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.

You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.

“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”

I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.