10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
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[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Worst bar ever.
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
Boss: you’re late
Me: I know, and I’ve decided to keep it. See you in court
Boss: I hate you
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
A “birthday card” from my 8 y/o…
Hallmark, you hiring?