10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
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Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
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Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
All. The. Damn. Time.
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It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
The worst part of all-you-can-eat buffets are all the witnesses
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
I should be paying way less taxes if I’m supposed to “save democracy” this often
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
[forgetting what kombucha is called] do you guys sell bacteria cider