Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.

Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.

Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more

Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare

A) Re-open the park

B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park

Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.

Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.

Plot twist-
Maury is the father.

Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]

Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*

My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water

My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.

YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???

My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…

The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.

Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.

Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.

If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio

I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”

“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”

My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……

Perhaps next time I should go out with him?

I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo

A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.

ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that

Time estimates:

“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never

YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”

Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.

-my cat.

I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.

On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.

Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it

Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.

My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”

Receptionist: the doctor can see you now

invisible man who’s also blind: who said that

receptionist: who said that

My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.