Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.

I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal

9yo: have you heard the song “I like big butts and I cannot lie”?

me: yes, but that song is inappropriate.

9yo: oh… so I should lie?

I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?

A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.

My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.

i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”

My son wants a proper drum kit for Christmas but I’ve only got him a miniature one so I’m expecting wee percussions…

stand with me against insufficient seating

At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.

My kids accidentally knocked down Elfie and what followed was a total freak out about how he’ll lose his powers.

But I eventually calmed down.

The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs

Told my kids I’m gonna be a toilet for Halloween cause of all the shit I take from them.

Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.

I’d like to formally apologize to everyone I’ve ever mocked for leaving their holiday lights up all year. You were visionaries, and I am now your disciple.

The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.

therapist: overthinking

me: you mean predicting the future

Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you

I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.

There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.

This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.

I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.

My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.

*knocks on morning wood*

Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.

[bar]

CUSTOMER: Barman

BARMAN: Sir?

C: This beer tastes like piss

[further down the bar]

BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having

Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.

Me: Okay.

Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?

Me: Quick

Wife: We named you after Grandma

Me: Yes that was my idea!

Grandma: They all laugh at me at school

“Can I borrow your charger?”

Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*

“I meant for my iPhone.”

Me: Oh, hell no.

kid: *sniffle*

me: need a tissue?

kid: no

kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*

Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired

Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?

Ex Girlfriend:…