Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good

Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it

Me: oh is there? *winks*

When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.

Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.

Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.

GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…

*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*

I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one

Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.

I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business

*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*

*forgets what they’re called*

Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud

Me: what? What did I do??

Government: wouldn’t you like to know

The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.

My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt

S/o to @funTweeters .

[At 1st drive-thru window]

Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.

Me: Thanks

5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?

A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?

[office]

Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.

“Hey look, a corn maze!”

– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze

It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.

Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on

police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo

The rest of the year

May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators

Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.

Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit

Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again

[Restaurant]

Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”

Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*

“What have you heard?”

hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪

“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.

“Same place you do,” she said.

“No, seriously-”

“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”

The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”

That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”

Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.

Him: I was gonna get lingerie.

Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.

Him:

Me: *jazz hands*