Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT

MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad

COW: What’s that mean?

MAN: Uh-

COW: I’m fat?

MAN: … You’re a cow?

PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo

Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps

[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers

ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please

[montage of me giving-up]

I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.

Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children

8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those

Me: To strangle your coworkers

8yo: What?

Me: Huh?

Me redecorating every room in my mind

Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.

So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.

How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?

Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.

*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”

I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.

80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.

Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave

The first five days after the weekend are the worst.

The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.

bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*

me: thanks

bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*

me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!

One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.

[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”

On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.

Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.

*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list

adds you to my “No” list*

*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”

The world is your Oyster.

So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?

My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.

Children are a blessing.

The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.

Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.

My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.