Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.

Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad

*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*

Me: h-how are you smoking??

Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?

Me: The babysitter

My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison

NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.

If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.

[at the playground]

“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”

[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*

I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon

having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex

Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.

BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT

I like big buts.

I can not lie.

I heard on the news that some guy was stealing wheels off police cars. The police are working tirelessly to catch him.

Grant me the supernatural ability to change the things I cannot accept.

I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”

hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?

30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.

Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.

For when you only want to be 35% sure.

A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.

“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.

do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge

No I don’t watch TikToks, I watch Instagram reels of Tiktok videos that were popular two weeks ago, like a grown up

There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar

My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?

You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.

‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.

my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off

Wife: this is how monsters are made

Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.

Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been

I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.