10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”

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ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie


ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo


WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT


I tripped over the dog a second ago and am hurting a little.Web md has it narrowed down to a sprained uterus or a dislocated cervix. So..


I joke but this Scotland thing is nuts. I mean…imagine if Canada ever tried to secede from the U.S.


I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.


I wear a monogrammed bathrobe but only when I’m mowing the lawn


“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing


Shark week is actually the best time to go to the beach. All the sharks are busy being on tv


ME: *vaping*

FRIEND: is that just a fountain pen?

ME: *ink all over my teeth* nope