@MoneypennyNaked

10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”

You Might Also Like

@KalvinMacleod

ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie

@fro_vo

[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo

@Michael1979

WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT

@JimmySelfDest

I tripped over the dog a second ago and am hurting a little.Web md has it narrowed down to a sprained uterus or a dislocated cervix. So..

@TonyFratto

I joke but this Scotland thing is nuts. I mean…imagine if Canada ever tried to secede from the U.S.

@SirJeremyLondon

I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.

@DonQuickoats

I wear a monogrammed bathrobe but only when I’m mowing the lawn

@internetluke

“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing

@AHotMessMomma

Shark week is actually the best time to go to the beach. All the sharks are busy being on tv

@trojansauce

ME: *vaping*

FRIEND: is that just a fountain pen?

ME: *ink all over my teeth* nope