Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it

Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.

My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.

Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage

GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!

ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.

Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.

Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.

Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual

When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”

My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.

[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]

“You see? She is both dead and al-”

“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”

It’s okay to run away from the cops if you’re shy

just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused

Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.

The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.

[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?

ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met

WIFE: It was amazing

ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan

twitter users today:

After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.

When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you

realest tweet ever.

WWE is French for “yes”

hello darkness my old friend
why are you here it’s 6:00 pm

Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy

Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..

Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.

I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.

guy cleaning a diner bathroom let me walk in but said “no poo poo” and I very seriously nodded and assured him “no poo poo”

[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious

When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”

We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.