Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.

Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies

When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…

Y’know, to buy myself some time.

I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.

ME: I have crab like reflexes

DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes

ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what

My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.

This is Chance. He’s just been entrusted with his first strawberry. Very honored. Will take care of it forever. 12/10

Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME

bird to holiday ratio:

thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs

You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????

“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!

I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.

Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…

While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”

I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.

A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.

ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol

MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!

Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.

if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:

warm/cold water

15 mins extra soak

permanent press cottons

wolf: little pig, let me in

pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin

wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place

My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place

I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.

On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it

is it too early for christmas memes

My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good

I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.

We have a very jittery first time flyer celebrating their 90th birthday today! So if you’re flying to Alicante with Ryanair this evening, remember to say Happy Birthday to the pilot.

You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”

My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.