10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
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Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
Meanwhile in Portland…
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
My 20mo came in while I was giving 4yo a bath w a bath bomb. “Pink bath?” She asked, dumbfounded. My husband took her to her room but seconds later she came thundering down the hall, pointing, blinded by the injustice, “PINK BATH!!” She yelled and tried to climb in fully clothed.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
Our generation has its flaws but I know I can message any friend with a random thought/meme at 6am and it won’t disturb them because their phone has been set to silent since 2006
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.