10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
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i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
Owl Sanctuary
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
Not my job 😂
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
In search of a lawyer who handles the most heinous of crimes. My 4yo woke me up at 5:30 this morning by sneezing in my face and then hopped away like a bunny.
I didn’t realize that was an option
