Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once

Some people come into our lives only briefly

Some touch our hearts and will always be with us

And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately

Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!

Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.

Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.

The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.

I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.

Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?

Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?

GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro

[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-L

Me: *your

Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E

Could you play us a song?

Cat Stevens: Maybe.

*Sets guitar on table*

Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*

If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.

I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me

I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven

What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.

Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time

Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.

My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.

Me: I’ve lost the dictionary

Her: Can you look upstairs?

Me: I can’t look up anything

Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.

I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!

*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL

Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*

Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*

What a cute baby, what’s her name?

“Ethel”

She’s gonna make a great grandmother

Phones down.

As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.

My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.

CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator

God: You found the Holy Grail!

Me: cool, what does it do?

God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.

Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.

God: you don’t want eternal li-

Me: I said pass.

i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced

Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.

“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.

A few hardest things to say:

“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”

“Worcestershire Sauce”