Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room

[during sex]

me: imma turn the ceiling fan on

giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo

they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems

Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.

I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid

*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*

I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.

I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.

Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?

Dude just wanted a popsicle…

I like my coffee like I like my slaves.

Free, you racist.

Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.

Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake

Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast

Me: eggs

Doctor:

Me: ok reese’s eggs

Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.

I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.

Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.

Stages of a quick trip to Costco:

1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.

Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?

70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.

[day after the beast’s household got turned back into people]
beauty:

beast:

beauty:

beast:

beauty: …so we just don’t have cups now?

GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.

ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’

HER: I need to see other people.

Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds

13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go

Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!

*blam!*

And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.

dog owners: their name is buddy

cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito

*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?

My child said she wanted to be like me so she put my glasses on top of her head and walked around saying “where are my glasses?!” I feel attacked

“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief

Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??

The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.