Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.

Wife: “Notice anything?”

Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”

Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”

Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.

Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for

Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating

i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’

She danced her way into his heart.

-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.

Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”

My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.

Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂

Doctor: Your children are very healthy

Me: Good

Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger

Me: I know

Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger

Me: *trembling* I know

Them: Pleasure to meet you.

Me: Give it time.

Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”

Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”

🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!

“Sir, place ur order or hang up”

I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.

The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…

Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?

Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.

Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…

*opens laptop
*types

Wife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.

So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .

Guess who got his yard cut?

The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”

My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?

I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.

Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…

it’s the thought that counts

I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.

You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.

fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired

Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?

Me: Mariah Carey.

How can I say no to this ?

If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t