Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

If you breakdance you buy dance.

Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!

Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?

That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…

[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL

I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem

GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you

ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?

HER: Yes. Yes it is.

Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.

SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!

Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.

Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!

Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.

My 10 year old:
If nothing is faster than the speed of light, how did darkness get there first?
Me: WHAT?!

“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.

age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”

*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*

3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.

Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.

[laying on top of me]

4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.

help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”

Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.

Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat

When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult

My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about

Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.

Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.

I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.

I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad