Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime

KITTEN: *flailing wildly*

MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off

KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*

MAMA CAT: excellent

[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*

Hey baby, what’s your name?

“Robert”

Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?

[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit

Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.

if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver

4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled

I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!

(There is no school this week)

This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.

Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.

Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.

Murderer: [stabs me]

Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]

I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.

So I neutered my car yesterday

“You, what?”

Neutered my car

“…”

It’s another word for fixed

“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”

I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.

I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.

Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce

Waitress: mayo?

Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce

Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat

Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.

“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).

If you see a toilet in your dream, do not use it.

Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it

Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father

I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.

Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what

Me: goodnight son I love you.

3yo:

Me: I said I love you.

3yo: I love milk.

Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*

7-year-old: *using her tablet*

Me: You’re not doing your homework.

7: How did you know?

Me: You haven’t complained all morning.

If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.

To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”

Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card

What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash