Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.

Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.

“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”

Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”

*Turns on laser*

*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*

this is how life feels

DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property

My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.

Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”

Me: well that didn’t age well

My Mirror:

The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare

I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.

I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.

Sliding a piece of paper over to the bank teller that says, “I have no money.”

[dog wedding]

[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]

[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]

[Bride throws bouquet again]

[Groom catches..

Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.

My wife must be the slowest reader ever.

I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.

He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.

[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend

Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..

Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic

I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.

i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters

“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds

Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.

I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon

(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?

If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…

…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.

My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.

‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.

Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.

i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!