10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!

Me: Okay, Okay!

*steps on lego*

*stubs toe on fallen over chair*

*falls over laundry basket*

*slip-and-slides across spilt water*

*arrives at 10yo*

10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.

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Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3


stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them


1st date: I love the spiderman movies

Me: So do I

[thinking of something to say to impress her]

Me: I used to be a spider


I thought kegels were like Jewish bagels…boy was I wrong


BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.

He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.


Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty


[friend being eaten by a bear]

*screaming violently*

Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!


[meeting her parents]
GF (whispering): Please don’t make a scene
ME (angry-whispering): You told me there’d be cheese


airline: will you be checking your bags, sir

me: again? I did that three times at home