Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
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1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
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BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
[friend being eaten by a bear]
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
[meeting her parents]
GF (whispering): Please don’t make a scene
ME (angry-whispering): You told me there’d be cheese
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home