Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?

You watch one pimple popping video, and suddenly the algorithm thinks you have a new hobby.

911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed

Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?

I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp

I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich

Pizza rolls are shaped like little pillows because you’re ready for a nap after eating 50 or 60 of them.

Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?

All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.

if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?

Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’

Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’

Intel’s responses are magic:

– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.

– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.

– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.

oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.

Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.

Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.

What has three thumbs and wishes his mom did not participate in that medical study

My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.

As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.

sweet dreams💖

Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?

Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.

😂😂

If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you

They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside

I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.

Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”

[3am]

WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…

ME: *suddenly awake*

WIFE: …teach me calculus?

ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative

Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.

dark side of the loom

With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.

A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.