Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*

SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*

ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.

i will not be silenced

If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to

You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?

That’s preposterous

not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex

My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.

Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.

The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh

Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse

Me: how so?

Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt

Me: ok you win

I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.

Me: Will you marry me?

Her: No

Backing singers: She said no! she said no!

Me: Not now

me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker

my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?

I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.

Would I miss my leg or my arm more?

(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)

I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.

How to cure a headache

1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.

Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs

*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately

Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”

Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.

Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.

Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.

Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper

I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.

*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award

Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…

I wish my hair had as much volume as my mouth.

me: hey babe, are you Leonardo DiCaprio because you are keeping it under 25

slow driver in front of me:

A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”

I put her in my pocket and took her home.

She’s mine now.

[First Date. Full moon]

Her: You looked different in your profile picture.

Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar

Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.