@KateWhineHall

10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?

Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]

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@DirtMcTurd

I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes

@JennEngineer_

Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week

1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow

@Playing_Dad

Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?

@Book_Krazy

[Spelling bee]

Your word is Monogamous.

M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S

*2 Judges stare at each other*

1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”

@STOTLE

What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?

@BlairLoudly

*dresses like a kitty*

*climbs tree*

*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No

@Contwixt

I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.

@Reverend_Scott

if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?

@bombsydoll

WHAT’S WITH THE MIXED SIGNALS DUDE? YOU TURN THE LIGHTS OFF & MOVE IN CLOSE BUT WHEN I KISS YOU YOURE LIKE WHOA IM JUST DOING YOUR EYE EXAM?