I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
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Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
Your word is Monogamous.
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
*dresses like a kitty*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
CP: U have to
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
CP: Then sign it
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
WHAT’S WITH THE MIXED SIGNALS DUDE? YOU TURN THE LIGHTS OFF & MOVE IN CLOSE BUT WHEN I KISS YOU YOURE LIKE WHOA IM JUST DOING YOUR EYE EXAM?