10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
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“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
scrabbled eggs
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”