Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic

Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?

WEBMD: Enter symptoms

Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin

WEBMD: You are a jellyfish

You don’t have to worry about me when I’m hangry but you should keep your distance when I’m sleevil (sleepy + evil)

Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remaining

Laptop after 20mins

cat faces on other animals, a thread

Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”

I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.

*jazz hands*

I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…

Ground up and in the freezer

My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her

Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor

Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?

Me: …dog?

I’m not a 10, I’m more like two 5s stuck together with melted cheese

Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.

Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.

my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical

Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*

I pride myself on being able to take a joke. That’s how I ended up with so many jokes.

Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!

*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*

I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.

“I’m 59 but have a biological age of 21” sorry if you are 59 your biological age is 59 because you are 59 years old

The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.

I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married

told my sister “had to postpone my cat’s third birthday party because I forgot I told my rock climbing gym id cohost game night that same day” and she just replied “I think you might be the most boyfriendless person in all of history”

Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs

[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA

Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”

Wife: How was work?

Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into

W: I despise you