11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
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I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
When libraries troll their patrons.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
That’s what I call a flat tire
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.