11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
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I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
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At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.