Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.

Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?

It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.

You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!

The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.

THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full

Selfie

So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.

Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS

Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt

Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?

Mugger: no

Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(

Orange cat behavior 😂

Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”

Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.

“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”

Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds

In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.

Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.

animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what

Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.

It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.

5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”

Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it

5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”

Monday

When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?

So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.

Calls restaurant:

Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.

Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.

When news reporters do sports stories

Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize

CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…

I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.

I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.

Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”