Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.

I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.

I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.

welcome to janurary 32nd everyone

Spoiler Alert: I was late

Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.

My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.

An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze

My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.

It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you

Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart

On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it

ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin

“Don’t forget Romans and countrymen!”

i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars

All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.

*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you

[dinner at fergie’s house]

fergie: what do you think of the food i made?

me: it’s ok

fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?

everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week

A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake

Cashier: How are you today?

Me: You too.

🤦🏻‍♂️

jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg

They should invent something in between cappuccino & narcotics.

The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together

fair

I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.

I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.

I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…

[during sex]

me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*

Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep

Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING