11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?
Me: 12
11:
Me:
11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –
Me: choose your next words wisely.
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*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.