11: dad I have a confession
me: oh boy. What.
11: last night before you said it was bedtime I made a plate of nachos and put them under my bed. Then I ate them after bed time
me: đ how did you get your brother not to tattle?
9: I paid him off in nachos
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
Whisper out to librarians!
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
What I said: No you cannot take a stuffie on your field trip today.
What my kid heard: Sure, but take one of your brotherâs in case you lose it.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
We just upgraded our iPhones so now I’ll be able to do the exact same things I did with my old phone but for an extra $23 a month.
As a man you should NEVER watch your woman struggle to pay bills.
Dump her and find one with some money
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes andâŚuhâŚwhatâs with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: Thereâs always room for a happy little tree.
My television roles include âFleeing Suspectâ on Season 3 of Cops and âJubilant Non Fatherâ on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
Itâs never a cool story. Itâs always, âhow did you hurt your knee?â I donât know. âWell, what were you doing? â Walking.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
