11: dad I have a confession
me: oh boy. What.
11: last night before you said it was bedtime I made a plate of nachos and put them under my bed. Then I ate them after bed time
me: 😂 how did you get your brother not to tattle?
9: I paid him off in nachos
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
watched the godfather with my little sister and after 2 hours of silence she uttered an incredulous “he’s elf’s dad” before falling asleep. never showing her a film again
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
I falcon love using swear birds
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
