11: dad I have a confession
me: oh boy. What.
11: last night before you said it was bedtime I made a plate of nachos and put them under my bed. Then I ate them after bed time
me: 😂 how did you get your brother not to tattle?
9: I paid him off in nachos
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
“i wish dogs could talk” not me. i don’t want to hear my boy calling people every slur imaginable as they walk up to the house only to become their biggest stan the second they are actually inside. impossible to respect someone so two faced.
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. Ironically, smoking bacon will cure it.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
