11: dad I have a confession
me: oh boy. What.
11: last night before you said it was bedtime I made a plate of nachos and put them under my bed. Then I ate them after bed time
me: 😂 how did you get your brother not to tattle?
9: I paid him off in nachos
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
WILL SMITH SLAPPED CHRIS ROCK??????
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
