11: dad I have a confession
me: oh boy. What.
11: last night before you said it was bedtime I made a plate of nachos and put them under my bed. Then I ate them after bed time
me: 😂 how did you get your brother not to tattle?
9: I paid him off in nachos
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
[first day at CIA]
Do you have a weapon of mass destruction boy cuz I’d like to invade?
[last day at CIA & permanent resident on No Fly list]
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Running from your problems is cardio .
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
Someone has been running a leaf blower off and on for about 2 hours now & I’m starting to understand murder
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
Drilling for oil is well boring.
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
