11: dad I have a confession
me: oh boy. What.
11: last night before you said it was bedtime I made a plate of nachos and put them under my bed. Then I ate them after bed time
me: 😂 how did you get your brother not to tattle?
9: I paid him off in nachos
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
There’s a word in modern Hungarian slang, egérmozi, which describes watching films (or shows) on your phone. It means “mouse cinema”
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
Only a mother’s love …
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
my cartoon in the New Yorker this week
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
