11: dad I have a confession
me: oh boy. What.
11: last night before you said it was bedtime I made a plate of nachos and put them under my bed. Then I ate them after bed time
me: 😂 how did you get your brother not to tattle?
9: I paid him off in nachos
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
