Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.

What’s the issue officer?

Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?

I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.

Taylor Swift on shuffle is like “You turned me into an inside-out monster I’ll kill you if you don’t kill me first” and then four minutes later “just kidding I am a cowgirl who is eleven.”

*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?

Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?

God: love it, it’s done!

[3 days later]

Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?

God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.

would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”

Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin

I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.

Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over

“shake what ya momma gave ya!”

*starts shaking low self-esteem*

I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.

I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy

listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth

I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in

“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.

“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.

Go to drunk, you’re bed.

My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.

Him: So tell me a little about yourself.

Me: But this was going so well…

I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication

*offers Batman cough drops*

“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”

Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.

Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.

*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*

*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT

*Facebook down*

Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories

3yo (in his car seat): Mommy, I want you to cross you legs like a pretzel.
Me (driving): Can’t do that, honey.
3: Well, that’s just the way things are today.
Me: No, honey, I’m driving.
3: 🙄 MOMMY. I am doing it in the car. It is EASY!

This is every influencer giving “advice.”

If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.

6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?

Me: You broke my juicer.

6: When I juiced that play dough?

M: yep