11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
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Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.