11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
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Pretty sure we domesticated dogs first and were like yes this is amazing let’s do another one, then we domesticated cats and were like yes that’s quite enough I think
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
my relationship with the mailman is pretty toxic. one day he brings me gifts and i love him 😍. the next day he brings me bills and i hate him 🤬. but he always comes back 😌
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
Spent the evening varnishing my Grandparents dining room floor. Here’s a list of things they offered me in the three hours I was there…
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.