11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
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You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
I wish I could veto my bills.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
we once had a detour a flight from NYC to Denver in Detroit to refuel because “we didn’t think you would bring so much stuff” to Denver…where there are mountains to ski on.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?
Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?
Parents: go to your room.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
😩😩😩
I bet your first day as a bullfighter they start you off by fighting a really rare steak.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*