Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that

[McDonalds board meeting]

CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?

Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.

Me at 2 a.m.:

losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story

Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter

Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?

Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.

why do drug commercials always show people outdoors doing active social things? if that’s a side effect it’s a dealbreaker

It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.

You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.

Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??

Octopus:

Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.

I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.

All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.

My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.

I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium

If you had purchased extra tape a month ago, then put it away in a safe place until it was time to wrap presents, where–hypothetically–might that have been

I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.

“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”

WAITER: what can I get you?

ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having

WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*

911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!

Spinach: *laughs maniacally*

Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.

The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.

My son found me crying in the kitchen, wrapped his arms around me and whispered, “Is it because of your hair?” Now I’m crying for two reasons.

“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”

*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*

Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.

So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.

Your honor these allegations are

[ First day as a British comedy account ]

I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.