Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.

Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”

Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.

I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.

[the invention of ping pong]

“I don’t want this tiny ball.”

“Well, neither do I.”

“That makes me very angry.”

“Me too.”

I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.

Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.

A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.

Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.

Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.

If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.

Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.

i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”

A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.

Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression

Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.

FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!

ME: This reminds me of a time

FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*

if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver

Only three things are preventing me from becoming an Olympic gymnast: balance , strength, and getting out of this beanbag chair.

people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like

How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.

Persuading my cat to go outside in the cold is a bit like when I had to encourage my daughter to go down the slide when she was 5.

Go on.
You can do it.
Brave girl.
GO ON.

Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”

Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.

“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”

Let’s ride.

So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.

A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings

My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating

Haters gonna hate…

Masters gonna bate.

They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most

I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write

Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.

Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”