11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
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I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
Note to self: I am a note
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
The enemy of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy is Kevin Bacon
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
SQUARREL
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
🙅🏻
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
Me: No, please no more free bread. I’m never going to eat it all.
Italian: Here’s eighteen more rolls!
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
