Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.

cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft

me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?

cop:

[in bed]

her: u have done this before, right?

me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey

her: what?

me: what?

[God creating chihuahuas]

“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”

My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.

THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭

My god she’s good.

cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes

boxer: but there’s SO many eyes

mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*

“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”

You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do

I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?

Spring of Deception

OK so maybe I didn’t respond to your text physically but I definitely did mentally it’s not my fault you couldn’t read my mind

“The Perfect Relationship”

Only sending condolence cards when someone dies is not enough. We need a range of cards that enable us to sympathise with people about smaller things too

Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.

being depressed is funny because tons of movies stop making sense. like why is that guy trying so hard to stay alive. i cannot suspend disbelief

My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.

Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker

date: I love a man who’s self aware

me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring

date: *gets super turned on*

YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u

do you know how lucky we are that skunks are generally reasonable

If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.

*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”

It really ruins the vibe when you’re sharing a hilarious story from your childhood and people are like “omg that’s horrible” or “do you want my therapist’s phone number?”

2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.

doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news

me: omg, me too

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.

~What is your sin, child?

My husband and I are arguing

~That’s very common.

…about my boyfriend.

I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.

I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.