11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
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Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
…żyje?
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”