11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
You Might Also Like
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
Anime is real
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
Other than that, Mrs. Gloop, how was the chocolate factory?
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.