Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.

[first date]

HER: I like classic cars

ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels

You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂

My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”

Me: This milk tastes funny

Lactating clown: Thank you

Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?

To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.

You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noises

You look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH

If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.

The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.

I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.

When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.

I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.

I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.

One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.

“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”

Me: one taco without strawberries

Taco Bell guy: strawberries?

Me: no thank you

Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?

Son: *looks puzzled* The what?

Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.

Son:

Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.

Son: Oh that.

I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”

I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.

[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell

Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.

Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit

[stabbing you with a knife]

I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.

“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*

Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?

Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?

Wife: What?

Me: What?

Communication is hard

I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.

*burglar alarm goes off*

me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work

‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me

The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…