11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
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Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
Sharks 🦈 waiting on there food delivery 😂
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
Mouse
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
feel so stupid. none of them have the mustache. no way to tell which baby is hitler.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.