Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot

Priest: absolutely not

Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture

Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE

That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.

instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?

A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.

It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.

Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change

Jack: I want to be nimble

Genie: ok

Jack: and also quick

Genie: ok those are the same thin-

Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle

I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift

If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer

The smoothest fall of all time

INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference

ME: oh I thought it said preference

People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.

Me: Can you bring back Prince?

Genie: I can’t bring people back.

Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?

Genie: Who was that dead guy again?

This girl on FB said “Lunch with daddy” and it was an actual pic of her kids with their dad and I was expecting her with some old dude. Twitter broke me!

i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.

In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.

In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.

It’s Fat Bear Week, and they have been storing fat all year for the coming winter. Cute, considering that I’ve been doing that for decades and get absolutely no recognition

producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.

I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.

Cop: where ya headed?

“the gym”

Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you

“thank you so much, officer”

Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.

Rock stars’ children have very strange names.

me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?

A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.

A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”

Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.

Me: do you love me?

Siri: I’m only your assistance.

Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.

Siri:there are two bridges near you.

I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.

I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.