11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
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That f**k*d up moment when you think there’s one more step to walk down and you trip over the unexpected flat ground.
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
i hate it when my pillow is not pillowing like it should. you have one job. be a pillow man. you are pillow. act like one ffs
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”