11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
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Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
just rewatched Texas Chainsaw Massacre and it has NOT AGED WELL. First off, murdering people with a chainsaw is literally illegal,
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.