11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
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My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
“our sushi is very fresh”
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,