Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.

Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.

After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire

Here are 5 things you should know about me:

1. I’m very secretive

me working on my assignments ^-^

My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.

I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound

My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.

FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?

ME: uhh…yeah…of course

[later]

ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine

Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.

“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”

If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.

they’re just heading into the office early to ketchup on some paperwork

I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.

[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao

I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”

WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH

i actually laughed 😩

Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.

if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds

Twitter is fun because you can tweet about hashbrowns and someone will say you are responsible for genocide.

The wasps relocated from the grill to the patio umbrella. Someone needs to talk to them about their life choices but it’s not going to be me cause they can sting you over and over and My Girl you and then go on with their lives like nothing

Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”

My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.

Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery

Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now

[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]

“Who are you eating?”

I fucking love letting emergency vehicles past on blue lights. I try to make it as easy as possible for them, to the point that I hope they drive past and think ‘wow, he’s done a great job of getting out the way’

*me in the shower*

My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.

Me: WHAT!

I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again

Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.

Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss

[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*