Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*

me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it

husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family

Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.

I would feel bad about teasing my brother about the cow scaring him but one dark night my dog chased an armadillo & the armadillo slammed into my front door while I was reading & tried to CLAW its way into my house & I screamed & it’s still known as “The Night Of The Armadillo”

Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.

these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some

me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice

[deserted Island]

other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies

me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously

When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped

Him: Do you have any food in your purse?

Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.

Him: Not all words need to be-

Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?

Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/

If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.

Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.

Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again

My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.

What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?

ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?

me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code

why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭

sailors wish they could swear like me

I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”

Me: What do you think of your haircut?

Wife: I need more volume

Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?

Table for one, please.

Ma’am, your family is right behind you.

Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.

ill check the nooks. you get the crannies.

A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…

Got an annoying neighbour? Leave a note on their car: “Sorry about the damage, but I’ve patched it up so you probably can’t even see it.”

Friend- Are you tired?

Me- Nope, just ugly.

[Space]

No one: I can hear screaming

ME: it’s like a dream come true

UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen