11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly.
Because communication is key.
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
Hot hot hot 🥵
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
😅🤣😂
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
Holy shit he’s back
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
