Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.

When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.

Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?

my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him

roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”

NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.

*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it

Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?

a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.

I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”

I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding

Me: How much for the snake hamster?

Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret

Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?

Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.

Having a bad vocabulary is very bad

Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.

*downloading the new earthquake warning app*

*setting to vibrate mode*

Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.

Do zombies go to heaven when they die?

I hope so.

There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.

38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out

Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.

me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment

boyfriend:

Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head

3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery

I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.

Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?

Me: Getting into my sports bra.

The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.

oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven

[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.

If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D