Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket

My 6-year-old has recently decided his chicken wings need to be eaten with a fork & knife.

I told him to eat with his hands like usual since he was clearly struggling, and he said, “Mom, I’m older now. Why are you trying to make me eat wild? Like a wolf?”

Confused owl: What?!

I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.

Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.

COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope

My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes

Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza

thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*

“I got this”

-hypochondriac reading Web MD

JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees

Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.

i got 100% on my daughters assignment.

dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone

when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??

*Sends carrier pigeon back*

“I have a suitor.”

Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.

[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”

A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’

I was that kid’s first beard

Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.

Me: Clive? What’s he done?

Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-

Me: What is going on?

Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.

Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does

Me: Well that makes two of us..

Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.

Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.

Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.

My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.

Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.

“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.

defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!

Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to life

Me: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.

Genie: There are four rules…

If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.