Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’

Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.

Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!

Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!

There’s a word in modern Hungarian slang, egérmozi, which describes watching films (or shows) on your phone. It means “mouse cinema”

Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.

My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.

Him: It’s going to be in the mid-70’s tomorrow. What should I wear?
Me: I don’t know…bell bottoms?

[Psychiatrist’s Office]

ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?

PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.

TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese

ME: Treese

HER: I hate you

“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches

FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”

Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV

[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]

“Ptequila, pthanks.”

wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you

Dr Frankenstein: he has a name

wife: DOES HE

Eve: I think we should see other people.

Adam: There’s other people here?

Eve: No.

A: What the…

E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.

this one is dumb but worth the zoom-in, i swear

Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.

I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire

I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.

Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.

I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl

Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?

Me: Misread the brochure I have.

What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?

My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.

[creation of trees]

god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves

tree: like a big coat?

god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off

tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job

For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31

Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.

Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?

WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.

My gf is so sweet… We just had that silly “hall pass” convo, ig she didn’t wanna make me jealous with a hunky celeb so she said some random nobody from her job ☺️ and she wasn’t remotely intimidated when my answer was Anna freaking Kendrick 😅

Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.