Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?

PLAYER: 2020.

COACH: Correct. Who is the president?

PLAYER: I don’t know.

COACH: Also correct.

You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away

i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite

[after a plane crash]

Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/

I don’t mean to alarm you but today is Friday the 26th, which is twice as bad as Friday the 13th

Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.

In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics

As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’

when mom throws a party…

Husband: I don’t understand

Kids: MOM MOM

H: how we are not

K: DAD DAD

H: able to get

K: MOM MOM

H: more done around the house?

Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD

H: Never mind.

Californians forget how to drive when it rains

God: send them snow

I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.

Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.

Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?

I need to buy new window blinds, but I hate dealing with shady salespeople.

IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.

AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.

[End of day 1, building Rome]

BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss

BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks

gryffindor: i only want the bravest

slytherin: i only want the most cunning

ravenclaw: i only want the smartest

hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious

*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*

Try and spy on me now!

*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*

SON OF A

I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.

Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.

My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.

*During sex*

Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.

Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.

Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…

The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.

I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ

I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.

“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”